16 May 2011

Excess at its worst: Heart Attack Grill opens in Dallas

In what just might be the most obvious display of dietary gluttony and excess yet offered to humans in north Texas, Dallas recently opened its own “Heart Attack Grill” downtown where businessmen and women can leave their stressful jobs in the nearby glass towers for lunch and order up their very own personal heart attack. Unfortunately, the business closed its doors an hour and half later with reported “operating issues” in the kitchen. A few protestors even showed up to hand out fresh fruit to those in line hoping to dissuade them from entering. It has since re-opened , however, to great fanfare and long lines of grease seekers.

The chain, which originated in Arizona, and was originally covered on this TDIV last November, had a 575 pound spokesperson who died recently from complications with the flu. Though the “official cause” of Blair River’s death at 29 is still unknown, his obesity was a likely factor, doctors said.

Obesity increases your risk for just about every condition, and it can make nearly every acute health problem worse," says Keith Ayoob, director of the nutrition clinic at Albert Einstein College of Medicine.

Big Ernie, the restaurant’s first spokesperson, took a leave of absence after falling into a coma and “Dr. Jon,” the owner (who is not a doctor), said he is now looking for a female replacement. There isn’t anything on the menu that doesn’t feature FAT as a mainstay so pull up a chair and get started on some chronic disease. Perhaps, the waitresses dressed as naughty nurses should be offering patrons half off coupons on their next triple bypass or punch cards for 10 free rounds of radiation.

As a bonus, customers who weigh in excess of 350 pounds eat for free. By the looks of the menu, it shouldn’t take any of them very long to reach that exalted state. Triple and quadruple burgers, milkshakes made with “full fat” and fries cooked in lard are all featured prominently only to be balanced nicely with candy and unfiltered cigarettes for dessert. The menu lends itself nicely to the idea of suicide by food and there’s probably not a better tribute to “excess” anywhere. Dinner, anyone?

Kathryn Lorusso
Kathryn is a former journalist and English teacher who now counsels and mediates teenage drama on a daily basis in the Dallas, Ft. Worth metroplex. Time away from school is spent cooking up new macrobiotic/vegan specialties, writing various blogs and newsletters and taking as many bikram yoga classes as possible.

Photo credit:cc:flickr.com/photos/barelypodcasting